[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
This is Sparta
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
work smarter, not harder
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
scared to check what name she chose
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.