@mjkspeaks

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

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@katy_fit

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

@anerdonfire2

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

@blaudiablogan

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

@StillOnTheMoors

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

@whereami18

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

@Marlebean

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

@overdesigned

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

@MattyIceUS

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

@karanbirtinna

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.