[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
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7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Hard not to take this personally
and now we wait
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.