Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
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I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.