How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
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Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
-ICE CREAM MAN!”
LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off
CLARK KENT: no
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
A witch cursed Tom Brady to win football games until he dies. All he wants is a quiet life with his family but every Sunday he blacks out like a werewolf and commits unspoken evils on the field
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.