Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Breaking news:
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah