Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.
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5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”
Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”
5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Bad cop: Let me scare her a bit.
Good cop: Not yet, I think she’s going to break.
Britney: My loneliness is killing me.
Good cop: But did you kill him?
Britney: And I, I must confess.
Good cop: Here we go
Britney: I still believe
Bad cop: Jesus Christ
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”