@Schmoodles

Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.

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@Spaced_Cowboy00

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

@theshantilly

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

@Jason_maybe

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

@tat2dsoccermom

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.

@walks_on_legs

Interview tip: maintain eye contact. If they try to look at documents, put your head between them and the documents.

@AHMalcolm

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

@ShrinkMedia

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

@ArfMeasures

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ??’? ???? ????

@NJFreudian

My therapist asked me, “How would leaving twitter make you feel?”
I replied by asking him, “How would switching therapists make you feel?”