Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.

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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.


ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for


My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.


If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.


No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.


PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course


My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..


Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”


Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.


I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.