Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.

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Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.


Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…


Him: No.


Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.


Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.


Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.


Interview tip: maintain eye contact. If they try to look at documents, put your head between them and the documents.


Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about


My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.



Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ??’? ???? ????


My therapist asked me, “How would leaving twitter make you feel?”
I replied by asking him, “How would switching therapists make you feel?”