Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.
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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend