@Schmoodles

Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.

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@awordforaword

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

@sofarrsogud

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

@ShoutingGoddess

My 4 yr old: I wish I was a nurse.
Me: You can be one day, if you want.
Him: *sadly shaking head* No. I’m going to be a Power Ranger.

@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@tassletie

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

@hamersauce

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

@vicki_gurley

My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..

@jwoodham

Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”

@LackOfShame

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

@RorynotRoy

I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.