“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?