Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
My dog ate my work from home.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!