Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
#Caturday
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?