[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
You Might Also Like
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
one of
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?