I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
can’t talk my ride’s here
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Phones down.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Twitter is the new flypaper.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…