About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
*has no idea what a book even is*
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Love this guy