Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”