ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track: