ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
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Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵