@yoyoha

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

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@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@krisv_723

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

@c12h22o11balls

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

@Deurb1

The lady in front of me wearing yoga pants keeps bending over to pick up quarters, hope she will for dimes too, as I’m out of quarters.

@fightforfood

The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die

@bazecraze

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@Nikkeya08

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid