I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.