Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school


Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.


Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away


First white Muslims in Boston, now a 7’0″ gay black pro athlete. Narrow-minded conservatives everywhere are having a very confusing month.


To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.


Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”


I just saved $30 on Taco Bell by telling a friend I don’t have my wallet


Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.