Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
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The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“That’s what” – She
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands