Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
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If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Wake me when AI does housework
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN