Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
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My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**