“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
You Might Also Like
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
work smarter, not harder
Nose
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Well, that should do it
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: