“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.