@QwertyJones3

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

- @QwertyJones3

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@LostFelicia

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

@JoParkerBear

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

@thatUPSdude

Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”

@PaperFury

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

@TheRolo

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

@hereholddeez

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

@WilliamRodgers

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

@OctopusCaveman

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

@flashember

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?