Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.