Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.