[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chiliโ€™s gift card* I hate you guys


can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us


DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*


Me: my kids are obsessed with juice lately

Friend: mine too we got a really nice juicer so they can have healthy organic juice when they want it

Me, sticking a straw in a Capri Sun: cool


I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.


I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.


Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.


2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.


Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.


My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.