[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week