[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
#titanic
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball