@realslimswamy

Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.

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@ClichedOut

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@1Happytwit

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

@sofarrsogud

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

@JosesLovesYou

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

@meisology

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

@Parkerlawyer

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

@Home_Halfway

“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player