Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.

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[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]


6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.


ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.


Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out


I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet


50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid


If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.


“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player