me: are u Scottish
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player