*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
(Electricians.)
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.