@notfunnyelle

armadillos should sound like accordions when they run

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@wesjohnson8

My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.

@MichaelAlliman

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

@ShanaRose21

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

@MelvinofYork

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

@lloydrang

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

@Birdhumms

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

@mattwhitlockPM

This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.

@Darlainky

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

@AdamOfEarth

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

@Nickadoo

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”