armadillos should sound like accordions when they run

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My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.


Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.


After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.


I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.


Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.


A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.


This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.


My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.


“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”


“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”