[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths