Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
a fate I wish upon no one
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.