Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: I’m just gonna nap for an hour then

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Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.


Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*


“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back


[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
[it starts raining buckets of pee]


WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*


Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick


If your bio says “Producer, entrepreneur, DJ, & businessman” I’m assuming you misspelled “Lives with Mom, works at McDonalds.”


Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?


Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!