My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
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white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
WTF
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list