Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: I’m just gonna nap for an hour then
You Might Also Like
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”
[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
“NO KID, WAIT-
[it starts raining buckets of pee]
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If your bio says “Producer, entrepreneur, DJ, & businessman” I’m assuming you misspelled “Lives with Mom, works at McDonalds.”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!