I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
early stone age tool
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.