Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Day 2 of my diet
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*