Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Happy weekend !
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Important reminders
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?