*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

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lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am


People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.


It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you’re already married to them.


Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last


I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.


Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them


I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.


My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!

I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.