@stuckinaportal

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

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@skwint1

lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am

@FunnyMojoJojo

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

@LuvPug

It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you’re already married to them.

@TheOnion

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

@cmstetz13

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

@dumbbeezie

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

@shatterpants

I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.

@sirmunchie

My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!

I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.