[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
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these two trucks have the same bed length
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)