@Tmoney68

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

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@capnmcfword

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

@WritePlay

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

@Jmboyd58

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

@Jake_Vig

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

@littlekitnerboy

I don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m running, should I fold them?

@zachheltzel

Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don’t understand.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

@farahfergie

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems