[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
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I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Any refunds available?…
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’m being attacked 😭
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.