@animaldrumss

Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Arnold Palmer: Mmm… its good… I just invented it.

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@theNuzzy

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

@HumanPog

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

@Llama5x

New rule for 2019: when you lick it, you buy it. I can’t believe we have to say this.

@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

@LeonardCowalski

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

@JulieSnark

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

@RandiLawson

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.