Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Arnold Palmer: Mmm… its good… I just invented it.

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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.


[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns


one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk


New rule for 2019: when you lick it, you buy it. I can’t believe we have to say this.


When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.


Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.


Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?


I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.