arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
The “baby” on the left….
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?