Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
😩😩😩
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.