AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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Me: Same.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”