@P1ssed_K1d

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

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@pixelatedboat

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

@ThisOneSayz

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

@realHamOnWry

I slept through my girlfriend’s alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

@slaughthie

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

@CatsVsHumanity

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

@AndrewNadeau0

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

@jellybnbonanza

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.