Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors


Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it


I slept through my girlfriend’s alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.


I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.


All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.


After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political


Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.


VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!


I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.