[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
yeah 😭
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U