[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
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If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
jesus christ confetti not now
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings