“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Help Wanted
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
If looks could kill
this is funnier than any friends episode
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.