Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

All set.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble