@Darlainky

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

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@MoneypennyNaked

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

@Ristolable

Did you see that? That’s the third time she came over here. I think she likes me.
“This is Applebee’s and she is our waitress”

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

@Dirty_Naomi

I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.

@titusbb

I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@_steamy_mac

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

@desi_princess

No thanks officer. I don’t even give strange men my phone number, and you’re asking for my license and registration.