Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
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Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Did you see that? That’s the third time she came over here. I think she likes me.
“This is Applebee’s and she is our waitress”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
God: you’re really fast.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.
No thanks officer. I don’t even give strange men my phone number, and you’re asking for my license and registration.