Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
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I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.
Not all heroes wear crepes.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I feel as useless as a Kardashian sister’s library card.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.