@daemonic3

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

You Might Also Like

@Kyle_Raney

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

@TheAlexNevil

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

@Goofpoops

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

@junejuly12

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

@lisaxy424

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

@seamussaid

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

@vladchoc

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

@Divergentmama

The Shining is my favorite book about the importance of work-life balance

@remmarg_yelsel

I’d definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people’s Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.