@PopSlapFunk

Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, “Hey, I found you on Twitter” and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.

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@TheMichaelRock

The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.

@dyldonot

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

@BillMc7

Pretty ironic how there’s an active ingredient in marijuana.

@graceful_asfuck

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

@Bagyants

Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about

@PleaseBeGneiss

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

@johnalogue

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

@PFitzpa

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.