4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.