@2p2TrollCat

Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.

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@ThatsSoCorri

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

@RunOldMan

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

@gidget_76

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

@iamdevinwagner

There is this absolutely gorgeous girl at my gym but I never know how to start a conversation with her without looking like the annoying dude trying to hit on her while she works out so I’m thinking tonight I’m gonna drop a weight on my foot and ask her to take me to the hospital

@goldengateblond

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

@Muaythaigirlie

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

@SteveKoehler22

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

@purplefuzzygirl

I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.

Idiot.

@ImKevinito

Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he’s homeless.