@2p2TrollCat

Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.

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@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

@drankturpentine

HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea

Me:

Clerk:

Me: I have a crazy idea

@ClichedOut

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

@shutupmikeginn

Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that

@Social_Mime

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

@junejuly12

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

@TheTweetOfGod

The fact that other bad things are happening is not an argument against fighting a particular bad thing.

@POTerritory

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

@pauleggleston

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.