*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺