*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
You Might Also Like
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
new record!
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.