Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
termite twitter scares me
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Put a ring on it
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.