@IntrepidDeviant

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

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@Gupton68

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

@fro_vo

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

@sofarrsogud

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

@CaptPinkbeard

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

@AaronFullerton

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

@Coastiefish

You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.

@KentWGraham

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

@mom_tho

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

@librarianfonz

I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they’ll open up a small demolition business together.

@UncleDuke1969

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.